A friend not turning up on time, a computer crashing in the middle of a game of Fortnite or a Christmas present that just could not be more wrong.
“Disappointment is a complex feeling, because it is an emotion, as we psychologists say, that consists of several emotional stages. It is based on a desire and a positive expectation that is followed by a negative outcome. In this way, disappointment differs from, for example, joy or fear,” says Elia Psouni, professor of developmental psychology at Lund University.
Humans do not experience this feeling early in life. Babies and toddlers cannot be disappointed because it takes time before we can start to build expectations, a sort of mental image, about things.
“Experiencing disappointment requires the brain to be sufficiently developed for us to imagine what will happen next. But by the age of two we start to gain that competence. You can then envisage tomorrow's play with your preschool friend when you’re going to show him your new unicorn. You will be disappointed that your friend isn't at preschool or simply shows no interest in your new cuddly toy,” says Elia Psouni.
Christmas closely linked with expectations
As we know, special occasions such as birthdays, Halloween and Christmas are closely linked to expectations. And that is precisely why they can pave the way for a tumble into the dark depths of disappointment. So, what is happening inside the child watching parcel after parcel being loaded onto the cousins while they themself have received few and small gifts?
“To me, it is not a given that a child will be disappointed because someone else gets a ‘better’ present. It almost assumes that the gift itself is strongly linked to the value of the child. That there is an equivalence between the present itself and the child. If the child has a strong sense of being loved, one present is not critical in causing disappointment,” says Elia Psouni.
Feigned joy over crocheted potholders – a good sign
Is there any danger in a child disguising their disappointment? A teenager displaying unreasonable excitement about the hand-crocheted potholder from their stepfather with (someone else's) initials neatly embroidered on it can evoke ambiguous feelings in parents. But according to Elia Psouni, affected happiness is nothing to worry about. On the contrary, the stuck-on smile may point to well-developed empathy and social skills.
If the children realise that the gesture is more important than the content, you as a parent have cause to feel very satisfied. Your child will have realised that yes, stepdad might give some odd gifts but the child can control themselves in the moment to please him. It is a sign that the child takes the other person's perspective and wants to make the other person happy,” says Elia Psouni.
At the same time, she says, there is a limit to what is reasonable in terms of ill-conceived parenting. A child who is repeatedly given clothes that do not fit his or her body shape or a book accompanied by the comment “now you can finally start reading” will be negatively affected.
“A consistently unthinking approach to the child's needs can be deeply hurtful. There is a symbolism in what we parents give to our children because a carefully chosen gift, unlike an ill-fitting jumper, for example, is about the parent trying to focus on the child. What does my child need? Simply put – not giving a gift that we adults think is desirable, but one that the child thinks is desirable,” says Elia Psouni.
Boundaries do not mean insecurity
By the age of six or seven, children are already competent thinkers. The child is old enough to understand that others may be different from themselves. Elia Psouni says this age is a great chance to introduce children to other dissimilarities in society.
“Christmas is a great opportunity to explain to your child that life and society give us different starting points. That different families have different financial circumstances. It is not damaging to say that ‘this is the way we are and we are proud of what we do. Proud of our life even though we don't have as much money as the Svenssons down the road’. In this way, the child learns that there are boundaries. And perhaps above all – that the child doesn't have to feel insecure because these boundaries exist,” says Elia Psouni.
Constantly disappointed adults may need support
Is it ever “too late”? I.e. is there an upper age limit when it is too late to learn not to be disappointed but to have reasonable expectations?
“No, it certainly is not. But there is a difference between being an adult and being a child. As children, we develop more or less automatically. The brain grows and becomes more and more efficient, we learn to interact with our immediate surroundings and society. You are malleable. But if, as an adult, you constantly harbour the feeling that you are easily disappointed, this can be seen as a need, and a spur, to move on. Hence why we psychologists exist,” says Elia Psouni.
How to prepare your child for setbacks
- Give a young child the illusion of choice. For example, let the child help out in the kitchen and explain that it will save time so you can go to the shop together and the child can choose their own sweets. If, however, you don't finish on time, you may have to ask someone else to buy the sweets. Then the child will also have to accept what is in the bag. By doing this, you give the child agency – a sense that they have influence over what they think, feel, want and do.
- Supporting children's exploration – at any age. The teenager will turn their back on you and go to a party but when they call you inappropriately intoxicated for support – be accepting. That kind of security makes it easier to dare to have a go at things in life without crashing.
- Support the child's reflections. Avoid preaching – support them and be curious about their rationale. That way, they gain independence and life skills.
- But most importantly – teach the child that your love is not dependent on their success. Teach the child that you love them unconditionally and that they need to learn to love themselves. Only when a child is able to love themselves can they comfort themselves and pull themselves through difficult situations.